Bad Hair Day

When I started this blog a few months ago I was hoping it would kind of be an experiment (look at my first post if you don't believe me!). Since then I stopped thinking of it like that and found it was a way for me to write things down. I've always been pretty lousey at diaries but somehow I've managed to keep this going. The point is I'm doing it for me and no one else.

I'm like anybody else in this world really. I have good days and bad days. Today has most certainly been a bad day! I think when I broke the fruit bowl I bought whilst I was living in Scotland this morning I should have re-thought the whole getting out of bed thing. It really was a bad hair day too as my hair refused to dry today, even after a generous application of the hairdryer. I then managed to mis-judge how long it takes to cook lamb this evening and ended up with it still rather pink with perfect potatoes and green beans. As if that wasn't enough I finally found out tonight why no one had really replied to my initial e-mail about my failure to get funding (as I really didn't want the funding at all that was a good thing). Turns out my e-mail address had been missed off many e-mails. So lots had been said about meets etc and I hadn't a clue. Even my own sister had failed to send me her e-mail to everyone about her A-Level results. Oh great. Added to that the fact it takes me half an hour to get into Hotmail even when I've asked before for people to use my better non-hotmail account, I wan't happy.

So I ranted and raved and then it hit me. I didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even myself. I'm lonely. I haven't really made any friends here yet and I managed to spend the entire weekend hardly talking to a soul. I'm so desperate to be independent and follow my career that I'm too ashamed to admit I feel all alone. I hardly talk to anyone anymore. We all have our own lives and priorities. I know they all love me, I got lots of cards on my birthday so they haven't forgotten about me. They feel so distant though. I feel like I've ended up in this strange bubble watching the world go by and being separate from it all.

Don't get me wrong I love where I live and I love the fact I run to my own timetable and have my own space. I've always needed my own little space, somewhere quiet. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and enjoying what I do. I guess sometimes things just get too much.

I've been down before. I often have periods where I feel almost empty, like I'm really detached from it all. Its kind of like being spaced out but knowing something isn't quite right. Its hard to explain. Makes me sound nuts I realise! I've always been an emotional person and I've always cared about people. I miss worrying about the trivial little things they were going through like the time when one mate bought his girlfriend a terrible picture of cherubs for Valentine's Day and she was desperatly trying to hide the fact she, and everyone else for that matter, hated it. Or the time another mate of mine put on their first opera. Ok so they weren't really trivial, but it wasn't as if someone had died.

Some days you just need to let all the bad feelings out. Hopefully after all this and a good nights sleep things will be better in the morning. I can only hope I guess.